A letter to Nico…

I have probably wrote this over 100 times, trying to get my words together to write to you… Just everything feels like a dream right now… The moment I received the text, it is as though I couldn’t breath any more. The wind was pulled right out of me, and time has stopped and proceeds to stand still. Nico, my Teddy Bear. You and I only met a couple of months ago, though we both laughed, how it always seemed like we knew each other our whole lives. How everything just worked out and how we even talked about planning our future together.

The start; Thanksgiving. It all began with you making fun of my food preferences and myself, in awe of your cooking expertise and that promise for freshly made coquito. You made me laugh, and never complained about my picky eating habits. (Minus the fact you saying once you wanted to add some seasoning to my chicken.) You had your love of star wars and I had my love for Harry Potter, but respected each other in our own way. My smile was big and I found myself eager to speak to the next day.

As time moved on, so did our feelings. We fell into sync quickly. Knowing what each other liked and didn’t, understanding our dreams and passions and for one day to have a big family. Because being a father and a mother was so important to us, especially when we both were so unsure if we could have one. Everything felt right… but that’s also when things began to fall apart around us. You lost your business to a fire. Seeing your devastation in your eyes and hearing it in your voice, was soul crushing. But I tried to be that positive light in the start of your dark tunnel, reminding you that there is always new businesses, new buildings, new ovens…. but there is only one you, and we will rebuild. And that’s exactly what we were planning. Rebuilding. Putting together our passions and coming up with something great. My eye for design, and your talent in the kitchen. It was going to be big. Our dream was to open a boutique bakery / mini restaurant that was combined with a interior design showroom. Making it a fun, eclectic place for young and the old, yet showed community and character.

And then you got sick. You couldn’t work. And my heart sank even deeper. But I knew you were strong, we both were. We were going to make out of this. Your first surgery went well without a hitch, but after a few days, something was wrong. More tumors, and this time in your brain. They said it was cancer… My heart stopped for a moment. But I still knew we would get through it together. They went in and removed it, promising you that you had nothing to worry about, they got it, and you wouldn’t have any more issues. My heart stopped again… a brain bleed, another surgery. It seemed as though everything kept spiraling. We were both scared, but I pushed you forward, telling you that everything will be okay. I had to put on a brave face. I thought everything was going to be okay…. until it wasn’t.

I wish I had more time, and a chance to speak to you one last time. To tell you everything I need and want to say… Like how much you meant to me, and how much you being in my life has made me felt special, and loved. I have never had this feeling before in a real life relationship, a way that we shared the equal part of caring for one another, and feeling it in return. I also want to apologize to you for some stupid things, like pushing you away, due to my own fear of moving too fast, or getting too attached too quick. And to apologize for promising you things I couldn’t or shouldn’t of promised. But knowing what I know now, I needed to tell you it was going to be okay in the moment. I needed to be the strong one, and I should never apologize for that.

Tonight, I received a text from your mother. She informed me you will be cremated in San Francisco, one of the cities you enjoyed. She also shared to me a message you wrote to me before you were induced into a coma. You told me I was the candlelight in your dark room, the person, that made your life worth living… but Teddy, you were mine in return. I woke up every morning to a text from you, and every morning you would receive a text of good night from me… because lets be honest I don’t sleep. I was looking forward to our plans, and our awaited adventures… and travels. i will hold you close to myself every day, and remember all the things you brought to my life… and that’s what I really thank you for. Your courage and confidence to help me move forward. Rest Easily, My teddy bear.


1 thought on “A letter to Nico…”

  1. Love you momma!! I’m sure this took a lot of courage and was really hard to write, but it was so beautifully written and I’m sure Nico feels this love even in another life. Love you to the moon and back ❤ Stay strong, and I will keep praying for you pain to ease up a little more each day. The pain will always be there, but the love and feelings you shared shall remain forever. ❤


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